Monday, August 17, 2009

Supah D takes the wheel

Yay!! Can you believe my guest blogger for the day is Supah D from… Adventures of a Wanna-be Suppah Mommy.? She is filling in for me today so I can frolic at the beach today>>

Heres her guest post……

So let’s see. Natalee Number One Fan has so kindly asked me to infiltrate her blog with a guest spot. Kinda like when Conan was “sittin in” for Jay Leno. But I’m way funnier. And not as tall. I’m SupahMommy. Nice to meet ya.

So for this Monday I’ll be your GUEST BLOGGER for the day: your GLOGGER if you will.

I’ve got lots I could tell you- but then I’d have to kill you… so we’ll stick with the “simples” and elaborate a bit. K?

How about this little bloggy topic as an ode to my recent travelings. Flying and airplanes and why I loathe both.

I hate flying. Hate it, hate it, and hate it. I’m not certain exactly WHEN my hateful relationship towards flight began but I AM certain that I HATE IT. Wilbur and Orville Wright: I CURSE YOU. I curse your scientific genius and maddening persistence that resulted in the “age of flight.” I’d be all satisfied if you were still trying to get some oversized people holding kite up in the air at Kitty Hawk. In fact, I’d be the one poking holes in your paper wings when you weren’t looking.

I give you.

The DO NOTS of Flying.

A Guide to Flying the Friendly Skies With SupahMommy.

1. DO NOT sit me apart from my husband on a flight. This man knows every single avionic tid bit ever produced. I use this irritating skill to my advantage during plane flights. Should I NOT be sitting next to him. Well, then you are all IN FOR IT. I grab. I sigh deeply. I gasp loudly. I AM that ridiculously neurotic girl that you keep evil eying because I am making you nervous. Just sit me next to my husband so that I can remain assured that this package of aluminum foil…is not falling apart and we will ALL be happier. At least until the ‘next odd sound I hear.”

2. Do not sit Supah in an exit row. If YOU THINK for one second that she’ll be sane enough to guide others in the event that this hunk of tin turns into a fiery ball of hell flame. Then you are sadly mistaken. While she may LOOK all put together and responsible…she is not. She is currently reviewing in her head.. over and over… the fact that her seat cushion.. F-L-O-A-T-S. FREAKING FLOATS. . She is near the verge of tears envisioning the possibility of a sudden “cruise ship.” vacation. And she is not happy. While you are nominating her for responsible looking person of the year… she is breaking down… slowly but surely. One brain cell at a time.

3. DO NOT sit SupahMommy NEXT to the engine. This decision is a surefire way to send her spinning into madness.

* She cannot hear her husband. Refer to number 1.
* She cannot hear the flight attendant’s emergency instructions and thus review over and over and over and over in her head what she WOULD do.. if such an event occurred. What she IS sure of. She’d knock you over to get to the slide first.
* She is unwilling to believe that ANY sound coming off that round silver thing: isn’t bad when in fact every 3 seconds it sounds AS IF her washer is off balance. An “off balance “ sound in a plane. Even SHE knows.. is not good. Again.. one brain cell at a time she descends into madness.
* Last, she cannot see the clouds if a big silver round thing blocks her view. Clouds that give way to the Earth.. that she unwillingly left below. This cause extreme anxiousness and the possibility of her grabbing your gin and tonic: and chugging it right in front of you. Daring you to say something about it.

4. DO NOT engage me in friendly airplane seat conversation. I am friendly on Earth. Not at 35,000 feet. I cannot be bothered to learn of your destination or look at pictures of your family. I am busy memorizing the emergency magazine and internally self medicating myself. Can you NOT see this?

5. DO NOT send the tin coffin through turbulence. Should you choose to do so it will result in gospel like renditions of Amazing Grace from the fat white girl in 21A.

6. DO NOT ask me if I’d like a beverage. I will kindly look you straight in the eye and ask you for a bottle of VODKA. And then you will not know how to respond and it will look awkward and undermine your authority as a flight attendant. And then I’ll be the last person you want to help should we all be hurtling toward death. I don’t want that. So let’s be friends. Just skip me when you come to aisle 21 .

7. DO NOT slack on your flight attendant duties. I will point out ANY AND ALL blatant non tray table stowers, electronic device users and insistent seat recliners in an effort to insure that the plane will work at full capacity. You can call me : Plane Police. I do not understand the impact of a reclined seat during take off and landing: but I can assure you that I don’t mess with the rules. And not one single patron on this hell flight.. is goinna either.

8. DO NOT smile at me as I exit the plane. Tipping your little pilot hat. This flight was a hellish nightmare of a ride specifically because of your “ personal plane driving skillz.” I’m not normally this lovely shade of pea green and you can bet that I’ll be writing your airline a letter and suggesting that you have to take your pilot test again. I’ll even suggest that they put an egg on a cone to see if you don’t’ knock it over.

9. Last, DO NOT invite me to fly the friendly skies with you again. I will first, evil eye you and 2nd.. launch into a diatribe similar to this one about my fear of flying and your contribution to it. Let’s just part ways without making eye contact.

I hate flying , but I loves me some Natalee Number One Fan. So I bid you adieux and invite you over to my stoop ,Adventures of a Wanna-Be SupahMommy, to hang out sometimes. We’ll chill together, ON the EARTH, below cloud level, where I remain oh so witty and funny and not one bit anxiety riddled, evil eyein, plane police-ish. .


Foursons said...

Bahahahahaha! Great guest blogger!

Brittany at Mommy Words said...

So funny! Not a fan of flying either. Especially now that everything costs money!

Tami said...

Oooh I hate my hubby so fondly tells me Riding my broom is enough for me LOL

Amy said...

I fly in a few months Thanks for the tips.

I hope the beach days are fun.

Merry said...

Great guest post. I will keep those tips in mind next time I fly.

MommyBrain said...

Dearest SupahMommy,
As a former pilot's wife - I'm still his wife but he's no longer a pilot - and someone who has traveled extensively with flight privileges (like for free and what-not) ... I am so glad our paths never crossed in the friendly skies ... but everything you said was true and hilarious and delightful, as usual :) The flight to the NW is only like 6 hours long; come see me :)

~~Mel~~ said...

Great post...add me to the list of bloggers who hate to fly...hate it with a passion.

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